A video registration of intervention in public space (video 40 min loop), Received a prize from the cultural department of the city of Amsterdam.
Created while a residency at the Zuidas Virtual Museum (ZVM) 2007, presented and performed at Gallery Platform 21 Amsterdam.
Dramaturgy: Erwin Jans and Marion Tränkle, Video and sound: Ben buchenbacher.
difficult to relax. working endlessly. what I really want to do. wallow in self-pity and self-judgment. too scared to stop. all is based on an imagined perception of how others judge the work. I’m the most intelligent, talented person I know. I’m the most incapable and worthless creature in the world. escape via mini-crisis mode. never calm. can’t experience emotions I don’t understand. afraid to loose control. afraid of people in power positions. exclude the work and I have no reason to be here. one day at home – only phone calls. have a clear target. dishonest about past experiences and present capabilities. can’t hang around. always in the process of accomplishing something worthwhile. must appear more competent. very influenced. hard to give credit. embarrassed to be praised, live for it. schedule more than can handle, do it faster, and faster. people will not respect me as I am. always in a fog. take it personally. never mention a failure. project based. successful. never satisfied. never free. never on vacation. ‘night kit’ in the office. new work is a new meaning to life. sleep and playtime seem like a waste. solving work-related problems during time off. best way to get inspired – glass of wine and some crappy dance performance. have only work-related friends. tiredness, irritability, social isolation. physical stress symptoms – headaches, insomnia, shortness of breath, racing heart, muscle tension, ulcers. no time for you. always looking for ways to excel. stress serves as fuel to do more. perfectionist. scared that these feelings will swallow me whole. find it difficult to hold a conversation about anything else indispensable. unable to delegate. focus on results. work is a modern addiction. simultaneous activities. right now, I’m busy taking care of my future. skip lunch, rush through dinner. to make more. expectations to become ‘Super Woman’. earning money for work brings a measure of personal satisfaction and affirmation of worth. go ‘on empty’. vocational achievements tied up with self-image. though it is only a temporary, quick fix. one million dollars is not enough. go for the second, and then the third. “Is that all there is?” excessive denial. it wasn’t always this way. there is a comforting, direct relationship between the work I do and its consequences.